Monday, March 13, 2006

Great New Sport in Texas

A White House spokesman said today that President Bush will request Congress to award Vice-President Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The President was quoted as saying, "All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it."

In a related development, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters wishing to bag a lawyer to have a new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $1000, but it will be open season throughout the year, and in Texas, the spokesman said, "that's considered a bargain".

The department further stated that sales so far have been brisk and it is believed the new "lawyers stamp" will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states, anxious to tap what is seen as a windfall resource that is widely popular, are considering similar game stamps.

Impatient with efforts to close the courts to litigants, the Administration literally fired the first shot in its groundbreaking "No Lawyer Left Standing" initiative. Cheney, hunting on a private lawyer ranch near Kingsville, Texas, bagged an impressive (if superannuated) buck, Harry Whittington, (UT Law '50). Under the new program, hunters may take up to three plaintiffs' lawyers and one defendants' lawyer daily. There will be no bag limit on personal injury, divorce or class-action lawyers. "We've just got to thin the herd," said the Vice-President. "We've tried tort reform and caps on damages, but people are still suing."

"It's easy and fun," the Vice President added. "In Texas, you can shoot in almost any direction and hit a lawyer."

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